The psychologist was weird as usual. He first asked me how I felt. "Bad!", I replied. Immediately he started laughing, rubbing he's head ans sighing complaining "I made him work so hard". The guy is very slow and needs a lot of time to think what he's going to say. For me that is totally different. Nevertheless, he has important things to tell most of the time, so I just try to be patient with him.
This time he explained that the pain in my body and the tiredness I'm coping with are probably the result of the massage or the fact that the study is finally completely finished. The massage must have loosened some old negative emotions and tensions in my body, which would be able to heal, now I can feel them. I must stress the fact that this guy actually truly believes this theory that body's and minds are connected and emotions have an impact on the body and viceversa. According to him, the body is capable of "storing" and "remembering" emotions in the form of changes in posture and muscle tension. Remembering those things is good according to him, because after this healing can take place. So he completely agrees with me undergoing the massages, which is nice to hear.
The idea that the tiredness and pain are the result of the study being completely finished is probably easier for most of you to understand. The hypotheses is that although I was really tired, I couldn't allow myself to feel this while I was still studying. Now the study is over, I can finally "give up" the act of keeping up appearances, and the real tiredness comes to the surface.
This is a well know fact. An example could be the fact that many people are ill on the start of their holiday.
The irritations today were interactions with other people complaining or worrying about my expressions in this blog. Due to my enthusiasm when I started this blog, I forwarded the link to a couple of friends. One of them is particularly concerned by my posts of the last few days, based on those he believes I'm not doing so good. Instead of me appreciating his involvement, it irritated me because I want to be left alone to some extent.
The other friend send me a long email complaining about the many ways in which he believes I'm mismanaging my life. He wrote it in a very confronting disrespectful way. Again, I didn't ask for this. If I need people I'll call them and tell them the story first hand. But now, these people are approaching me because they read my blog. This feels a bit intrusive. And also it's a kind of paradox. Me feeling intimidated because my friends have read something "private" about me on a blog which is open for the entire word to see....
Makes me wonder how many people really know me. Although I'm really open in real life, I can only conclude that since my blog is making such an impact on the way they see me, they saw me in a different way then my writing suggests me to be. I think I must have hidden my dark-side to some extent in real life conversation with my friends. In this blog, I don't have to worry about peoples reaction (at least I thought I didn't had to), and this makes it possible for me to just write what I am feeling without hiding any ugly details as I would normally do when I see people not reacting in a nice way to my story. In real life it's very easy to bend your words a little when you see someone is starting to get shocked by what you're saying. Here, I'm not doing that.
So this is more real in a way, don't you think?
But let's continue:
The last irritating interaction today was with the friend I was on holiday with. We had an msn conversation with lots of miscommunication. The most irritating thing was that when I asked for more information to clear up the misunderstanding, he would say he was not willing to talk anymore.
A lot of these irritations are probably caused by a newly reached 'low" in my mood. Normally quitting smoking makes me very grumpy and irritated. I guess this is probably also happening at this moment.
It all is of course very easy for the people I talked about when they are reading this to think it was not their fault because my irritations were the result of nicotine withdrawal instead of their actions. But let me tell you something: Although normally I am able to cope with some ways of people interacting with me which I'm not able to cope with now because of the withdrawal. That does not mean I don't find those interactions irritating when I'm not quitting smoking, it's just that I have more resilience to cope with other peoples misbehaviour's.
And if my blog is too depressing for you at this moment? Well I advice you to come back later. This blog is intended as a documentation of my journey towards a better life. The obstacles on the way are also covered in my writings. Those are not ignorable for me, like they are for you.
Greetings from a grumpy Alexander.
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